(Post by Colin ‘Jackie’ Jackson of Glasgow – January 2022)
I’ve never really been one for paying much attention to song lyrics. It’s all about the music and beats for me. And let’s be honest, in some cases, especially so in The Seventies, the words were pretty random; nonsensical sentences existing only to enhance the cadence and rhythm of the song – look no further than the brilliant Marc Bolan if you don’t believe me.
So, reflecting some of our life experiences from The ’70s, I thought I’d try my hand at lyric writing. I mean, how hard can it be?
(Pretty damned hard, actually. Maybe Marc had it sussed, right enough.)
I suggest hitting the ‘play’ button on the video and then following the alternative lyrics written below – that way you may just be able to get it all to scan. Maybe.
DRUNKEN NORMAN


Original / Proper version: ‘Cousin Norman.’
Written by; Hughie Nicholson
Performed by: Marmalade
Released: September 1971
Highest UK Chart position: #6
In the village, by the bus stop,
There’s an Off-Sales selling fortified wine,
Carlsberg Special and Breaker Lager
Under eighteens getting served all the time.
So if you’re passin’ close by, please
Don’t tell our dads we’re buying secretly.
In the forest, by the oak tree,
Stash the bevvy in the bushes over there.
We’ll drink it later. Before the disco.
No-one will steal it, they’re not brave enough to dare.
So if you’re passin’ close by, please
Keep on walking, we’re just kicking leaves.
Oh Oh Oh Oh excited for the disco
Sinking cans of beer will stop me being so shy
Oh Oh Oh Oh excited for the disco
The girls are gonna fall for this cool and gallus guy!
Dooya doodn doo doo doo Dooya doodn doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo doo doo.
Hold a deep breath, get past the teachers
I’m in the disco, ready for a dance.
I’ll be groovy, I’ll be funky,
Play it cool, I’ll be in with a chance.
So if you’re dancin’ close by, please
Watch in wonder as the wee man pulls with ease.
Oh Oh Oh Oh I’m feelin’ nauseous
The hall is spinning round and I think I might be sick
Oh Oh Oh Oh I’m feelin’ nauseous
“Thank you for the dance.” I stagger to the toilets, quick!
Oh Oh Oh Oh sat in Head Teacher’s office
Puke stains on my shirt and splashes all over my shoes
Oh Oh Oh Oh sat in Head Teacher’s office,
The girls are all disgusted. I’ve no chance now – I lose.
__________________________
CAMPING UP THE HOOPLE


Original / Proper version: ‘All The Young Dudes.’
Written by: David Bowie
Performed by: Mott the Hoople
Released: September 1972
Highest UK Chart position: #3
Billy crapped all night in the countryside,
Scout Camp enteritis in ‘Seventy-five
Latrine jive,
(Best avoid the dive, if you wanna stay alive.)
Henry’s bloody, gashed foot will leave a scar,
Freddy’s badly aimed knife, a throw too far. Or not far enough –
Freddy’s eyesight’s really duff.
Scout Leader man is crazy
Says we’re going on a long, long trek,
Oh Man, I need Imodium, or clean … kecks.
Oh brother, you guessed, I’m in a mood now!
All the young crew
Running into
The Portaloo queue
(What a To-Do.)
(REPEAT)
Jimmy looks a pratt dressed in fluorescent green
(“Mummy says on treks I should ‘stay safe, stay seen’”)
But we just laughed.
Oh yeah, we just laughed!
And our buddies back at home
Would rather die alone,
We’d not be seen dead in that bright luminous stuff.
Such a drag,
It’s not our bag.
“OK Boy Scouts – form a line, and don’t dare whine!
The Crazy Scout Leader said,
“Oh! It’s only twelve miles all around.”
(Our guts filled with dread.)
Oh brother you guessed, I’ll be crude, now:
All the subdued,
Ignored the taboo
As they puked or they pooed
In the Portaloo queue.
(REPEAT TO FADE)
(I’ve wanted to do this for years.)
_____________________