Colin Jackson: Glasgow, April 2021
Ye canny shove yer grannie aff a bus
Naw ye canny shove yer grannie aff a bus
Naw ye canny shove yer grannie
Cause she’s yer mammie’s mammie
Ye canny shove yer grannie aff a bus
Ye can shove yer other grannie aff a bus PUSH PUSH
Ye can shove yer other grannie aff a bus PUSH PUSH
Ye can shove yer other grannie
Cause she’s just yer daddie’s mammie
Shove yer other grannie aff a bus PUSH PUSH
**********
CLAP! CLAP!
Can I have your attention, boys and girls!
Ok – so who remembers singing this little ditty when they were young?
Scandalous, isn’t it?
We can certainly do without that kind of criminal incitement in today’s society. 😉
Yeah, ok, so it’s kind of catchy – but even so, in these post music hall and woke days, I’m surprised The Singing Kettle and nursery schools all over the land are allowed to get away with it.
I suppose the first question to be asked, is did anyone actually take the lyrics literally, and second, did your Granny ever again share her Werthers Originals with you?
On the basis that the answer to question number one was a resounding ‘no,’ then my next question would be: who would even consider such a thing? Not me, for sure – I knew when I was onto a good thing, me.
I do wonder though, what effect this song may have had on one side of the Granny equation.
My two Grans were Gran Mary (my mum’s mother) and Gran Jackson (my dad’s mother.) They were both pretty similar characters, although being more sporty and having married a champion professional boxer, the former had more of an active and competitive nature.
My sister and I genuinely had no favourite and loved going to visit both as each would each spoil us with the decadent treats not on offer at home. I’m talking Creamola Foam, Tunnocks Tea Cakes and Oddfellows sweets. (Did you like me, break off the chocolate from the mallow dome before devouring the biscuit, flattening the foil wrapper and then folding it into as small a square as possible?)
As I grew older though, I did begin to notice one difference between the two Grans: Gran Mary would take me places. It was her and my Grandpa that took me to my first ever football match. The number fifteen Corporation bus took us directly from their home in Knightswood, Glasgow to Ibrox Stadium, for a League match between Rangers and Hibs.
They took me to many more matches before my Dad managed to get out of working on Saturdays and could take me himself. Each time, we travelled by bus.
My Gran was always so happy on the way across town. I had thought it was excitement at going to the match. On reflection though, there was a certain smugness about her contentment.
She was my ‘mammie’s mammie’ after all.
“In your face, Mrs J! Travelling with my darling grandson … on a bus! I’m even sitting on the seat that looks out onto the open platform. Look! I’m going to stand up. No hands! Woo hoo! Yep – still here!”
My Gran Jackson, on the other hand …. well.
Occasionally, my parents would go to one of those ‘classy’ dinner dances at The Albany Hotel. Rather than ask a babysitter wait into the wee small hours for their return, we would be dropped at Gran Jackson’s for the bulk of the weekend.
We went through the same ritual each time:
“What shall we do this afternoon?” Gran Jackson would ask.
“Can we get the bus to go watch the football, please?”
My Gran was like:
Wiping beads of sweat from her forehead with a shaking hand, she would suggest:
“Why don’t we stay home and watch the Wrestling on TV. I’ve got you some Creamola Foam and a Tunnocks tea Cake? And a packet of Oddfellows.”
Five miles away, in Knightswood and from behind a satisfied smile, the hushed words ‘one nil to the Mammie’s Mammie’ escaped into the ether.
Oh yeah – and so who was it taught me this song as a nipper? Why, of course, it was Gran Mary!
Aye – as those darned kids said, ‘There’s No One Quite Like Grandma.’
Especially a competitive one.
(Don’t fret, I’ve subjected you to enough – anyway St Winifred’s School Choir’s big hit was in 1980 and therefore disqualified from this blog.)
Once Upon a Time in The '70s 