‘What’s Going OhOhOh-ON?’ I hear Colin, Paul and other Rory Gallagher fans cry.

Apologies if you thought this was going to be a review of the superb 1970 Taste album.

Maybe next time……

No this is a brief synopsis of my very brief acting ‘career’.

I’d previously co-starred in a St. Stephen’s P7 play in 1969. with classmates Pauline O’Rourke, Margo Murphy and the late Jim McDonald.
I can’t remember the name of the play but it was about three siblings who discover a magic lamp (supplied by my Gran) which produces a Genie (Jim) who grants three wishes….don’t they always? 

The siblings all wore pajamas as the entire play takes place at night in a bedroom (gym mats for beds.) 

I do remember there was an awful lot of dialogue to memorise.
However it was a very ‘school play’ production and was only performed in the school gym/dinner hall.

Earlier in P5 I had also been in a Nativity play as a 3rd shepherd or some other non speaking part.

I played a grizzly bear (?) in yet another school play, again no lines but I growled and roared a lot. 

Unfortunately during the performance, I didn’t realise that the black curtain draped at the side of the stage was actually also hiding it’s edge.
After my big growling scene, with my vision obscured by the bear head, I stepped back, disappeared over the edge and ended up in a tangle of plastic chairs.

EXIT STAGE LEFT! 

Two years later in 1971 at St. Patrick’s HS, Dumbarton, I auditioned for a part in ‘Toad of Toad Hall’ and was successfully cast as Mole – one of the main roles.

This was a very professional production and was the brainchild of the charismatic English teacher Mr. Phillip Drake who went on to be Head of Strathclyde Education.

He had directed and produced the previous year’s play ‘The Thwarting of Baron Bolligrew’ by Robert Bolt.
My good friend Ian Black played a scene stealing comedic Magpie called Mazeppa ‘to rave reviews’…..his words .

‘Toad of Toad Hall’ was to be performed at the Denny Civic Theatre over five nights at the end of May.

The sets, lighting, sound effects, music, costumes, makeup, props, prompters etc were ALL very professional. 

Rehearsals started in late January.

Two weeks later on Sunday 14th February I traveled by train to a morning rehearsal.
I bought my return ticket and was handed some very small, shiny coins in my change….
New 5p, 1p and ½p pieces.
Decimalisation officially started the very next day!

It was now early March and the rehearsals had been upped to 2/3 times a week.

However my dreams of being the next David McCallum or even Fulton McKay were to be thwarted when I was made to choose between basketball training or play rehearsals on Wednesdays after school.

I reluctantly chose basketball and had to relinquish my role as Mole, much to the disgust of Mr. Drake.
He did recast me as one of the ‘Wild Wooders’ who are basically background crowd thugs that terrorise the ‘willows’ out of the local inhabitants.

Stoats, Weasels, Scallywags and all round n’er do wells who are in turn terrified of the wise but fearsome Badger
So my previous non speaking, growling and falling experiences didn’t go entirely to waste.

May came and the entire cast and crew excitedly anticipated the opening night. Every performance was completely SOLD OUT.

An unexpected bonus was the extremely cute, mini skirted makeup girl that was assigned to the Wild Wooders.

She’d paint our faces green, add red and black eye liner, black nose tips and drawn on whiskers.
Our costume was a furry green top and trousers, and to complete our ensemble, black leatherette waistcoats.

STYLE-EESH!

Being a WW was great fun. We stayed in character throughout the evening pranking the main cast by hiding parts of their costumes, shoes and props.

On stage we’d cause unscripted mayhem to unsettle the actors. 

We’d shout out and larkabout. 

The audiences, especially the kids, loved us although the director wasn’t best pleased and demanded that we tone it down or else…. although when he saw the crowd reactions he relented a bit.

The show would finish around 10pm and there was always a rush backstage to get to our makeup artist to remove our greasepaint.

Most nights I’d happily wait with the wide eyed, adoring queue. 

One of the prompters, a teacher who lived in Hyndland (I think), was kindly giving me a lift home to Dalmuir.

However on the Thursday night he had to leave early so when the show finished I had to make a mad dash to catch the last train from Dumbarton Central.
I quickly changed out of my costume and ran the 500 yards to the station…. I just made it!

I was still breathing heavily when I sat down.
The carriage was fairly quiet but I could sense several people staring at me. 
‘My face must be flushed after my run’ I thought.

Then I caught sight of my reflection in the window…. no I wasn’t red, I was green with red and black eyeliner, black nose.

AND drawn on whiskers!
In my haste to catch the last train I’d completely forgotten about my makeup!

There was nothing I could do but turn my collar up and scrunch down into my jacket in a vain attempt to hide my embarassment.

My parents and siblings had a good laugh when I arrived home 

Remember this was 1971 and only Bowie, Bolan or Roxy fans going to a gig wore makeup.
Nobody else!
Well not in public anyway.

Nowadays you could board a train dressed as an Oompa Loompa or a Minion and nobody would bat an eyelid.

The following night, after the last show, the we got four curtain calls from the ecstatic crowd.

We then had a big party…. well soft drinks, cake and crisps for us, but I’m pretty sure some of the older cast members and a few teachers had a wee hip flask tucked away.

I thoroughly enjoyed the entire theatre experience.

I wouldn’t tread the boards again until two years later when the local youth club put on an ill advised (but very popular at the time) Black & White Minstrels Show.

But that, as they say, is another story!

(Post by Mark Arbuckle from Clydebank – June 2024)